Amber was sick of cleaning up Johnny Depp’s ‘s**t, vomit and p**s’ after benders

"I just don’t know if I can do this anymore.

“It’s like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Half of you, I love. Madly. The other half scares me. I can’t take him. I wish I could, but I can’t.

“Also, drugs seem to guarantee I will be forced to deal with the monster as well.

“Once again, it’s knowing what/how much/and when – which makes all the difference.

“Sometimes the hangover, the morning after is just as bad as the full on disco blood bath I’ve come to expect.

“You live in a world full of enablers.

“You cut out and resent (whether you realise it or not) everyone who isn’t an enabler.

“I can make a clear distinction as to who falls into which category with complete ease. Just how often you see them and what role they play in your day-to-day life distinguishes where they fall on the enabling scale.

“I watch yesterday as everyone around you picked you up off the floor, held you up. Got you on with your life. Prevented you from really falling.

“With so much help, of course you can’t know how much this hurts you and your life.

“The problem is, I never really know/understand which one I’m dealing with until it’s too late.

“The drinking assures me that I am dealing with the monster. The abused scared insecure violent little boy. I just can’t tell where the line starts.

“Because you pay people around you to prevent your feet from having to hit the rock bottom, as they say.

“Yesterday, I saw you pass out, amongst vomiting, three times. All three times Jerry had carry you from the floor.

“On the plane Nathan mentioned how many times he’s had to break into locked doors to wake you up, after passing out on the toilet.

“You would have embarrassed yourself countless times if someone would be honest enough with you to tell you. To show you.

If someone filmed you while you were in this state you would be mortified.

“It’s embarrassing just watching it happen.

“You can’t know because people (friends?) keep smiling to your face and then turning their heads and rolling their eyes at how ridiculous they feel and look picking a grown man up from his own p**s and vomit, knowing he’ll never be able to realise how bad he looks.

“Hung over – post pills is not much better. You’re mean and insensitive.

“I have no reason I have to stay with you. And I won’t. You don’t pay me. I don’t have to lie to you for my job, livelihood or kids.

“I will never want to be locked into you. My freedom is now, I realise, the only thing I have to protect me. I will never ever trust you to trap me.

“I myself watched you pass out cold on the floor, after drinking yourself sick.

“One of these times you cut yourself so badly that you needed stitches.

“You say things you don’t mean. You are impossible to reason with. So everyone placates you. Lies to you. Worse even, you lie to yourself. And you believe it.

“You have so many yes people around you constantly protecting you from yourself and the truth.

“They think looking at you in a disappointed way is truth? Ah, no wonder it doesn’t work.

“If they left you, on the floor in your own s**t, locked in the bathroom while you missed work – then you might have to actually learn. Learn to take care of yourself.

“You think you’re so tough, big self-destruction – I-don’t-give-a-f*** man?!? B*******.

“If you really didn’t then you wouldn’t have so many people there to take care of you.

“You just let them do all the hard work while you run away from your problems unable to take pain.

“Such a big man that you need your paid assistants and family to carry and clean up after you.

“A real man doesn’t need to be cared for like a baby.

“What I saw last night was a child.

“You made me feel, at the beginning, safe. Like you could care for me. Like I could have a family with you. You made me feel like you were a real man – that was only half of you.

“What I saw yesterday, and many times before, is a needy man-child.

“I watch as other grown men have to wipe you, basically. And you get the convenient benefit of never having to remember it. That’s nice. For you.

“So you get away with so many lies that you tell yourself.

“You actually trick yourself into thinking the craziest lies when you’re f***** up and because your so accustomed to people NOT calling you out on your b******* (they work for you – hello) that you actually believe your s***. (Need a reference, how about when you actually thought I hit you first. Or that I was hiding drugs – the list goes on).

“Admit some of your own s*** first.

“Many times you have hurt me. Physically and emotionally from the things you say and did while f***** up.

“The monster comes out and you become mean and horrible. The opposite of why I love you.

“And what I am to do? How would you be if you were in love with one person who was in fact, two? Both you, the love of my life, and the monster look the same. How f****** confused I feel.

“I am mad. So mad.

“How would you feel if you were sold false goods??

“I fell for you while you were sober. A whole year. How could I know this lay in store for me?

“How dare you make me fall in love with you, present this other self – your good half – only to rip the mask off once I was in?!

“I feel like the biggest idiot in the world.

“I have put up with so much. I have cleaned s***, vomit and p*** up both literally and figuratively.

“I have been accused of crazy s*** – none of which I deserved – only to never hear an apology for your booze-fuelled zeal.

“You have hit me repeated. Something you should Never have done. What a f****** man you are.

“And NONE of this would be possible without the booze and drugs. NONE.”

MirrorCeleb