After Life and Cunk star stopped interview when she thought she'd get punched
The actress and funny woman - star on the co-star that made her shudder, what fans shout in the street when they see her, and the one person who made her star struck
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I used to work at The Mirror!’ squeals an excitable Diane Morgan at the start of our interview.
'It was fab! I used to take calls from readers who wanted packets of seeds sent to them that hadn’t come free with their magazine.
'One woman called me and asked me to look for a vibrator that had been featured that she liked the look of. The audacity. And I had a snazzy chair. God, I miss that chair…’
In her broad Bolton accent, Diane could happily talk about her former job for hours (she even asks us what the lifts are like now, she has a lot of questions), but she’s here today to talk about her current job – making people laugh.
Having first risen to fame as dim-witted journalist Philomena Cunk on Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe, she’s starred in Motherland, After Life, a spin-off Cunk series, and has now penned and is starring in new sitcom Mandy.
It’s about, you guessed it, a lady called Mandy, who’s utterly hopeless in every way yet tries to navigate her way through ‘grown-up’ life. Better still, she’s based on a real person Diane once knew. ‘She’s out there amongst us!’ she warns.
Chatting from the London home she shares with partner of five ‘ish’ years, Ben (she shouts at him to confirm and he ignores her completely, which leaves her hysterical), who works as a writer on Cunk , she has that northern warmth and charm, and it won’t surprise you to hear she’s very funny.
She unashamedly laughs at all her own jokes.
Apart from walking their adorable rescue dog Bobby, the pair live a quiet life and haven’t been out anywhere since lockdown lifted, citing the reason as being because she ‘can’t be a*sed’.
We can relate.
Here, Diane talks punches to the face, decent fish and chips and, er, spontaneous combustion.
How do you find the guts to play characters like Philomena, and say crazy things to people?
The great thing with that show is that it doesn’t feel like me. She has become like a suit of armour.
Whatever I say, it wasn’t me, it was Philomena Cunk. So I can get away with almost anything, which is the most wonderful feeling.
I imagine it’s how most people would like to live. If they had the courage.
What’s the worst thing you’ve had to say?
Where do I start? I remember interviewing a historian and I asked how Winston Churchill came to invent Tipp-Ex. He looked livid. They know it’s a comedy show, but they don’t know what I’ll ask.
The interviews last a couple of hours, so I start off with quite normal interesting questions and they really get into it, then once I’ve lulled them into a false sense of security, I start pulling out the madder questions. Then it’s too late for them to leave.
Has an interview ever backfired?
We had to stop with one man. The director asked him to go a bit easier on me and made him take five minutes for him to calm down.
But at the back of my mind I was thinking, ‘If he punches me now it would be so amazing!’ That would make great TV.
That’s what everyone wants to see these days, isn’t it? We’re so bored, let’s get some punches in. Square in the face.
Was it all laughs in lockdown?
Ben and I have a great time and we both love comedy. It was way easier for me. I’m a hermit anyway.
I could very easily live in the same room for 30 years. I’d make a great prisoner. I’m quite happy staring into space for hours.
So you spent it watching a lot of comedy?
Yes. My favourite thing is watching old documentaries from the 1970s about the supernatural. Nothing is funnier than that. Spontaneous human combustion or quick sand, you say? I’m in!
Is there one thing you can’t stand watching?
Reality TV. I’m too old for it. Everyone looks and sounds the same. You’ll never see me in the jungle or on Dancing On Ice.
You sound like you’d be good if they did a new series ofCelebs In Solitary…
Oh my God, I’d win that hands-down. I’d still be in there now from the last series. What do you get for doing it?
Forget it if there’s no prize. I don’t want recognition – I want cold hard cash.
Speaking of recognition, you must get that a lot now?
Builders shout ‘Cunk!’ at me and let me tell you, that can be misheard.
People must think, ‘That poor girl, did you hear what they shouted at her? And she smiled! She must be a bit odd.’
Have you ever been starstruck?
Years ago I saw Larry David in Edinburgh walking down the street. I love Curb Your Enthusiasm and I couldn’t believe it was him. I thought, ‘Just walk past him and smile, don’t embarrass yourself’.
Well I don’t know what came over me but I grabbed his arm and pulled him close to my face and said ‘I think you’re brilliant!’ with passion.
Luckily he was lovely.
Is it all yachts and gold leaf facials now you’re a celeb?
Nah, you can take the girl out of Bolton! But I can’t afford anything, me. I don’t know what I do with my money. I need to start saving it a bit.
I bought some nice noise cancelling headphones for Ben and I, but we just sit in the same room with them on, ignoring each other.
What do you miss about Bolton?
The miserable sense of humour and scraps at the chippie. Southerners look at me like I’m mad when I ask for them.
It might sound grim but those little bits of batter flung in the bag make it more delicious. I am very London in many ways now though...
How so?
The sheer speed I travel at. I go mad if people are walking slowly in front of me. I’m so impatient.
Even when I watch Millionaire and they’re dithering around on the easy first questions like ‘What comes after A and B in the alphabet?’.
Come on guys, I’m hurtling towards the grave here, let’s get to the big money! I need to calm down. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Would you change anything about yourself?
I’d like my mouth to be slightly higher up, it’s a bit low on my face. And as I age it gets lower so I’m going to look like a right freak when I'm 80.
Have you ever had a good freebie?
Sometimes I get biscuits for my dog. I tell him, ‘Oh look at this treat you’ve been sent. All because Mum is on the telly.’ But he doesn’t understand. Waste of time. I do explain at length but he isn’t interested.
What’s next in continuing your comedy legacy?
After Life series 3 and hopefully some more Cunk. But I’m not fussed about a legacy. I don’t care if people look at my name and go, ‘Who? Oh, the tall one with the long mouth!’.
But I’d like to be remembered as ‘Not an a*sehole.’ That’ll do me.
There were a lot of tarantulas on you in episode one…
Oh my God, I’m glad you brought them up. When I wrote that episode I thought it’s 2020, they’ll have realistic-looking tarantulas. Turns out they don’t. I freaked out. They’re my worst fear, ever.
The thought of them makes me shudder. So a handler came in and had one in a sandwich box he kept on a log.
They said they’d have to get me used to it, in case I do the scene and I flip out and kill it out of sheer shock. So they put it on my leg, so I could feel the weight of it.
That sounds awful…
The weight! Honestly I did really well because inside I was throwing up. I’m sweating talking about it. I thought they’d get a stand-in, but we couldn’t afford it.
We assume that was the hardest bit of filming?
For sure. And a scene where Mandy strips off, so people can eat sushi from her.
It wasn’t easy being practically naked lying on a table in front of my co-star Sean Lock, covered in raw fish. I obviously don’t think things through when I’m writing.
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